Change of Address

Last night lying in bed, our last night in this home, brought back the memories of the past twelve months. We moved into this house on July 1st. Here we are just days over a year later getting ready to move out.

This house for us has bitter sweet memories. The stress and busyness of Steve's teaching position this year. The transition back to PA and country living. The birth of Quincy. Bringing home that little guy to make our family one with four members. Titus coming into his own. More personality coming out in him. Watching him figure out his new role as a brother. Experiencing the seasons as a family for the first time.

Moving here I thought was going to be a fresh start for us. I was excited, but nervous too. I had plans and dreams for us here. But it didn't go as I had anticipated.

My peak moments in this house were...

Making the bedroom a place of peace and rest.
Sipping coffee in the fall mornings with a newborn Quincy nearby.
Watching the snow fall.
Listening to the birds chirping outside my window.
Watching the boys learn to interact.
Having family over and seeing the joy on Titus' face when they were here.
Eating dinner outside on Titus' little table while he would play on the swing nearby.

My difficult moments...

Trying to make the house a home in the midst of the chaos that was our life at the time.
"Walking on eggshells" as I felt Steve was in a constant state of unhappiness with our move for a couple months.
Never finding, or having the desire to find, a church.
Questioning our decision to move back here.
Regrets.

I started to think back to each one of our homes. Thinking of the memories tied to each one.


33 W. Main Street, Apt. F, Strasburg, PA. Our first apartment. With the crazy neighbors below us. They were drug users that much was apparent very quickly. Our favorite night there, that we still laugh about, was one where we sat by the window and watched a car catch on fire at the ATM machine across our front yard. Then watched as a man who was taking his trash to the dumpster, saw a skunk behind it. He dropped his trash bag, yelled "skunk" and ran back inside his house. We laughed so hard. There was a problem with skunks around us for a while and Steve put out a TON of moth balls. Didn't keep the skunks away as we were told it would, but made the whole area stink like moth balls instead. That apartment is where we were when my mom called to say that my brother had been in a car accident. I remember where the phone was when I answered it. That apartment was where we got the call that Steve's brother had been shot and we rushed to the hospital. We were there two years.

1319 Swan Road, Atglen, PA. Our first house. It was an old schoolhouse where my Paw went to school as a child. I loved that house. It felt like home. My mom and sister helped me take so much wallpaper down. We painted everything. We got a dog, Bella, there. I remember calling my mom asking for her to come up and when she did that little chocolate lab was laying in the living room. I still picture her running over to it. I could see my parents house from our backyard. I loved that. It was a comfort. I loved our backyard and taking walks to the pond down the lane behind us. Sitting at the kitchen table one Christmas, I gave Steve the gift of a ten day vacation to Cozumel, Mexico. My favorite vacation we've ever taken. One I saved for and planned all without him knowing. I know exactly where I was standing (in the doorway between the kitchen and living room) when I knew I was in labor with Titus. I remember sitting on the blue chair that had been Steve's Nana's feeding Titus as night. I can picture myself feeding Titus on the footstool as Steve, uncle Ray and TeeJ packed the Uhaul truck for FL. I remember my dad coming over as we were about to pull out in the truck. He was emotional and that was the first that it occurred to me how big our move was. I can still see us driving out in that Uhaul with tiny Titus in his carseat between us.

3145 NE 48th Court, Apt. 216, Lighthouse Point, FL. The condo where we raised Titus for his first two years. We were on a waterway and could watch the boats from large windows in the living room and Titus' bedroom. I loved Titus' bedroom in the condo. It was also the guest room. We had several guests those two years. It was fun and exciting. Always looking forward to someone coming. Those years were two years of "counting down the days." Always looking forward to someone coming or going to PA for a holiday. Looking back it feels like those years went by so quickly.

Then we moved to 5128 Lower Valley Road, Atglen, PA.

Now we move on to our next stop. Where we will make more memories.

A Three Year Old.

Steve and I laughed the other day in amazement as we thought back to the birth of Titus and where our lives have taken us since that day. We had no idea that we were about to move to Florida. Just two months after Titus was born, we left PA. For the first time. Then we moved back to PA. Then we had Quincy. Now we are about to move again.

I never would have labeled us an "adventurous couple." Boy was I wrong. It's been a pretty exciting three years.

I think back to the day I went into labor with Titus. Ten days before my due date. At home in the little old schoolhouse on Swan Road. Steve was working at the YMCA summer camp. I called him to come home. He got pulled over for speeding on the way.

We didn't know what we were having. I thought surely a girl. Lola or Elle. We hadn't fully settled on a name for a girl. The only name we ever even considered for a boy was Titus Dustin.

He was born early in the morning on July 15, 2008.

This year he turned 3.



And we love him beyond anything I could imagine.

I heard recently from someone who had lost a child, that the most exciting part of raising a child is seeing who they will become. This man had lost his daughter in her teen years and felt robbed of that experience. I thought about how true that is. We adore Titus now and we pray for the chance to see who he will become.

Believing in the power of prayer.

As we get closer to leaving our families to be so far (in distance) from them, it brings out fears in me. What if something happens to us, to the boys, to Steve? How will I cope without family there immediately? Just knowing that it would take someone getting to the airport, getting a flight, flying to us, driving from the airport to our house before they got to me...it feels scary, lonely.

This past year, I've seen two of my cousins go through a difficult time. One was local, one wasn't. Each time the family came together in prayer. It didn't matter if we were with each other or not. Today we learned of a crisis in Steve's family and again the same thing, coming together in prayer.

I know that no matter what Steve and I or our boys face, we will be surrounded by the prayers of our families. But, do I believe, truly believe, that is enough? Do I really believe in the power of prayer.

Most of the time, no. I hate to admit it. But it's true.

Through this whole process of deciding whether or not to move, it's been a journey in prayer. I'm learning more about prayer. But I still struggle so much with having faith when I pray.

I know that Steve and I will have struggles in Florida. In our marriage, in our family, in the adventure that is parenting. I know that we will have people praying for us. If we go through a trauma or crisis, we will have our families there in prayer.

I just have to believe that will be enough. More than enough.

New Life, Old Memories.

Last night Steve's cousin's wife went into labor and this morning gave birth to their first child. I couldn't stop thinking about the excitement of new birth. Thinking back on my own deliveries. I would go back to those two moments in my life without having to give it a second thought.

I have this issue in my life where I struggle to look back at certain times in my life as "fond memories" but instead I look back with a saddness that those times are over. There are certain feelings in my life that are connected to a specific, life changing moment. It can't be done over. And, it feels, nothing will ever come close to that peak moment. Engagement. Wedding. Childbirth.

I have this "issue" time and time again as I watch those close to us go through these wonderful milestones in their lives.

I hate that I struggle this way. It's not that I don't have a genuine excitement for others but what comes with it is a saddness over what I have done already and won't do again.



It's been interesting through these past few weeks the emotions that I've been experiencing. The ups and downs. The crazy lows. As we were making the decision about whether or not to move, we discussed a lot the impact that it would have on our marriage. The stress before the move. I really thought that the stress would hit us as a couple. That hasn't been the case. It's been hitting me.

I generally don't think of myself as an emotional person. I tend to stuff my emotions when they are uncomfortable. I can change the song on the radio, change the channel on the tv and my emotions will shift if I want them to. In the past I was "that girl." Into every sappy movie and love song. Life changed that.

These past weeks though I haven't been able to stuff the emotions. It's felt like they've been right there under the surface and if I let my guard down for a minute they overtake me.

This week has been better. I'm excited about our move. I was the past weeks too. It wasn't always a saddness that came over me just emotion in the form of tears. It felt like I was taking on all the stress of this move, the changes. Maybe it's beause I've really been looking at these last 30 days here as a time to change myself. To take a closer look at myself. To ask God who He wants me to be.

Steve is a teacher. When we move to Florida, he will teach. He loves it, he's great at it, he's passionate about it. Beyond being a wife and mother, I am still trying to figure out who I am. I guess the move has got me looking beyond my label as "stay-at-home mom." There will be a day, sooner than I could imagine, when that won't be who I am. I pray that God will reveal to me the woman that He wants me to be. What my strengths and gifts are and how I can use them for Him.

I'm excited about the adventure that we are about to begin and to see where our lives go from here.