Chapter Six

I finally picked up the book "Raising Your Children with No Regrets" again after so many months and finally finished it. I had heard the author, Catherine Hickem, while in Florida and just loved her! The book has been really great and I absolutely recommend it. She talks about being intentional in parenting. I have moments when I'm struggling to make it through a day (or week) and have to remember to be intentional. To focus on the bigger picture.

Here is what I underlined from Chapter 6, The difference between control and intention. Principle 6: Be Intentional about Being Intentional.

"Control usually becomes less about protection and more about power."

"The concept of control is typically associated with codependency, which develops in a person as a child if his or her environment feels emotionally unsafe. A child can feel vulnerable in many different ways, and even in families where you'd least expect it."

"Being raised in a home where the adults are unpredictable, needy, addictive, and/or unstable sends a message to the child that no one is in charge. The result of such an environment is a child who feels inadequate and anxious. To compensate, the child seeks any means possible to calm the inner turmoil, to control the situation: act out, withdraw, regress or overcompensate."

"Control is also manifested in families where approval is paramount and insecurity is normal. It becomes a driving force when a mother reacts to others' opinions of her children rather than trusting her own."

"People will turn anxiety into control because it is an external way to calm internal chaos."

"Control provides a false sense of safety, because people believe if they control the variables in a given situation, the world will be a safe and wonderful place. This is an illusion, of course, but is one that most of the world has bought."

"Most mothers struggle with control, yet they're often oblivious to it. They see themselves as simply being vigorous about impacting the outcome of their children's lives. They want to see their kids' needs met. They want to see their kids happy and successful. The problem is the mother's methodology, not their heart."

"A controlling mother typically loves and adores her child. Her motives are pure and her desire is to bless. The downside is, she seeks to control the outcome of situations for her children rather than modeling and teaching them what they need to learn."

"Controlling mothers are fear-based mothers. They make decisions out of fear and live with the eternal "what if" questions. Parenting this way creates a constant environment of anxiety and stress for children. Living fearfully undermines confidence, reduces energy, and leaves mothers with an emptiness that cannot be filled."

"Fear is a terrible characteristic to pass on to your children."

"A mom will battle fear in her heart throughout her motherhood journey if she remains in a control-dominant pattern of life. She will be quick to imagine the worst and go out of her way to have back-up plans for every possible outcome."

"Fear can damage any type of child, but certain personality types are deeply scarred by a fear-based mom."

"When fear dominates, hope is dampened, and that is sad for any child."

"Intentional mothers break free from a fear-based lifestyle because they choose to live in faith. They embrace a sense of purpose and anticipation of God's blessings in their children's lives. While they recognize the challenges that lie ahead, they see them not as obstacles to be controlled but as opportunities to see God work."

"When a mother lives intentionally, she knows that her greatest obstacle to victory is probably herself, not her children."

"A mother who wants to live a faith-based life instead of a controlling one will need to take a moment to examine her journey through childhood. Remember, there are only two reasons to ever look back: (1) to recall the faithfulness of God and (2) to learn from the past."

"If her life has been full of difficulty, then she will need to take some time to reflect on the lessons she gained from those experiences."

"What does she do differently as a result of those painful life lessons?"

"Asking these questions often provides insights into how those challenges and hurts of her life weren't wasted."

"Intentional mothers who are free from fear are great role models for their children. They exude confidence and aren't afraid to fail."

"This fearless approach to motherhood allows moms to meet their children's needs without their own insecurities getting in the way."

"Another key difference between a controlling mother and an intentional mother is the issue of trust. Trust is second only to love in the "need categories" for our children, and it begins immediately after birth."

"Trust is developed over the course of the relationship and comes in handy when life doesn't make sense. In such times, trust is all we have to hold on to."

"When a mother has control issues, she has trust issues. She struggles to trust herself, her children, her family, professionals in her children's lives, and most of all, God. Because of her own background, she sits on the fence of doubt, not wanting to commit herself. She struggles to trust anyone for any reason, believing that she or her children will be wounded or scarred."

"I believe God created woman with a discerning heart, but mothers who struggle with control and trust are less likely to trust that intuitive sense."

"When a mother doesn't trust herself, she struggles to trust her children. She often projects onto her children-especially daughters-her own history of poor decision making, impulsivity, or deception. This damaging behavior sets the child up for a self-fulfilling prophecy."

"Intentional mothers handle their trust issues by trusting Christ first. They recognize their own struggles and choose to go to the One who is trustworthy. This is a challenge for many mothers, but intentional moms know that if they let go of their own control and risk trusting God, they will be rewarded for it."

"When a mom trusts God, she finds peace in the midst of the storms of motherhood. She believes nothing she and her family will face is bigger than God."

"Intentional mothers have a safe and loving view of God. They believe He has their best interest at heart and wants to meet their needs. They see that behind the "rules" some people call Scripture is God's heart of protection."

"Most of all, an intentional mother trusts that God knows her children better than she, and that He will be with them all the times when she cannot."

"There's no greater way for women to bless God than to trust Him with the treasures they value most: their family."

"When mothers choose to trust, they experience peace."

"When they choose to release their kids into God's hands, the responsibility for how their children develop doesn't feel so heavy and burdensome."

"I am saying that parents must understand their job is to teach their children and adolescents how to make decisions. This process takes place over time, with practice. The only way for that to happen is for parents to provide the opportunity for their teen to learn, practice, and even have the chance to fail-not try to control every situation so the child doesn't have the chance to decide anything."

"Children and teens need to know their family is a safe environment in which to make mistakes."

"Control is an insult to another person because it says, "you don't have the ability to make good decisions without my help." That underlying message erodes hope, confidence, and joy of growing up."

"Intentional mothers keep a broad perspective of their role as mother and understand that releasing their children is part of the job."

Wow, I didn't realize I had underlined that much! This one was a huge chapter for me. I struggle with trust issues. Last week I was having various fears regarding the boys and decisions that Steve and I are making at the moment that will impact their futures. I struggle to release the boys to God. I probably will have to continue to remind myself to do so many times throughout their lives. It will be a continual process for me. Especially since watching my parents lose their son. I know that trusting God doesn't necessarily mean He will always protect them. But understanding that I can't. I read this chapter and the next on Sunday. Re-reading tonight what I had underlined there were several times that I said "wow" out loud. I had many "Aha" moments just tonight. I love how that can happen.

I will post chapter 7, the last chapter, later.

Worship Through Nature

I woke up this morning with the idea of taking Titus up to the woods behind our house. We had never gone up there yet. Since Steve was home to stay with Quincy and the weather was slightly warm, we ventured out. I always get fooled by the sun though. It makes it look warmer than it actually is. We headed out in just sweatshirts and got a little chilly once in the woods and hidden from the sun. Even so, it was great to get out of the house, hike up a hill and explore. Titus is much more adventurous than I often think. He just kept walking deeper and deeper into the woods. Eventually, when he realized just how dark it can be when the sun is no longer visible, he got a little uneasy and wanted to hold hands. He wasn't so much into the sticks and trees and searching for bugs, as I imagined him being, instead he just wanted to walk.

I never think of myself as a nature photographer. I prefer taking, and looking at, pictures of people. This morning though I found it so enjoyable to take pictures of nature. So many different textures. Maybe this is also due to the fact that Titus is entering a stage in which he doesn't want me to take pictures of him. :)

I was also reminded today of a quiz that I took years ago determining how I best experience God. My answers revealed "nature" and "song." So true.

We're off-

Stopping to look at the stream-


on the way to the woods, to our left-

"meandering-(of a person) Wander at random"

view from above-




treasures-

"Acorns come from the tress!"




my favorite picture of the day-






He asked me to hold his hand. I love that little hand in mine and try to cherish these moments. I picture my firstborn as a grown man one day...a day when he will no longer hold my hand-



Uniqueness-



Contrast of texture-

We're almost "out of the woods"-

finding footprints (deer)-

(bird)-

and ice-


on our way home-

Skipping all the way-




The end of winter. Noticing how much Titus has grown by how short his pants have become-

This Little Light of Mine.

this song is my favorite right now. I listen to it over and over again.

Outdoor Playtime

We celebrated the amazingly warm {almost 80 degrees} beautiful day last week by being outdoors for most of it. I was set up on a blanket with a spring fashion magazine. Quincy was playing beside me with some toys. Titus was in the sandbox with his Matchbox cars. Fresh clean laundry drying in the sun. We were in and out many times through the screen door in the sunroom. Such perfect weather to have a sunroom...and a screen door. We have survived the winter and are enjoying the sweetness of springtime. Titus loves that we have flowers growing and, when not hacking them with a stick, pulls them up and brings them inside.

You can see Titus' mind working. That little mischievous sparkle in his eye-

Poor Quincy-

Early Spring

It seems spring is {almost} here. I would really love to have one more snow, but we are enjoying a little bit of warmth and more chances to be outdoors. This morning I took the boys...Quincy in the big wagon, Titus pushing his truck...down to the pond behind the house. We all came back covered in mud but it was worth the extra laundry. It was great to feel the sun on our faces.