Mom Guilt.

It's suffocating. I deal with it almost daily.

Did I yell too much? Did I discipline out of anger? Did I feed them enough healthy foods? Did I take them out to play enough? Did I play with them enough? Did I read to them enough? Do I talk on the phone too much and leave them to entertain themselves? I want them to know they're important to me. I want them to feel like they're important to me.

Titus is now four. Quincy almost two. What happens in their lives at this age they will possibly remember as adults. Especially Titus. I remember when Titus was two and I thought to myself, "I need to get my anger under control because he might remember me like this." Two years later, I'm still feeling the same way.

Steve and I deal with the bigger life issues.

Are we doing the best for them in raising them here in south Florida? Would it be better if we had the physical support of our families? Do they feel loved enough? Do they feel secure enough? Especially here without grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles? Was it the best decision to hold Titus back a year?

I know there is no "perfect parent". But I don't want to damage my children. I want them to have great childhood memories. Not just the days of going to the beach or the zoo. I want them to get that warm fuzzy feeling (do boys get that? :) when they remember their childhood. When they picture their childhood home. I want to give them a "childhood home." They've both had so many homes and none of them have truly been "ours."

Which brings us to another area of parenting guilt. Probably the biggest one for Steve and I.

With every house that we thought would be ours but then would slip away, Steve and I would get overwhelmed with the feelings of letting the boys down.

We've moved them so many times. I kept thinking, "what is this doing to the boys?" And I would think, "I hope they don't remmeber all the homes they've had."

Then one day it occured to me that maybe I do want them to remember. I want them to know that God always provided a house for us. He always protected us. In their future, when they go through difficult times in life, we can tell them the stories of our family and how God was always there providing for us. We can use it to encourage them and to build their faith. These events are our family story.

I pray that I will learn to depend on God more during my parenting "failures." I want to remember the obstacles we face as a family so that I can encourage them later in life with the stories of how God provided for our family.

New School Year

Titus on his first day of school-

Quincy enjoying time at home-

Life is moving right along. Too quickly yet I still find myself wishing the days away at times. Many times.

Titus turned 4 on July 15th. He started his second year of school on August 15th. We have him in the 3's class for the second time due to his late summer birthday and his high level of activity. :) He has several of our family friends kids in his class this year and a little boy from his class last year. He's had five days of school thus far and is doing really well. Steve takes him in the morning which has been great for them to have that time in the car together.

We're currently living in a house in Plantation which is 30 minutes from Calvary. It feels much further than that. The last place we lived was seven minutes from Calvary. We had to be out of our townhouse at the end of July as the owners were planning to move back in. We started house hunting in April thinking that would be enough time. It wasn't. We put in several offers and nothing seemed to work out for us.

As our time was running out, we were back and forth in our decision of what to do as we had a couple of options. We could rent...again. Or we could move into temporary housing while waiting for a short sale that had already been partially approved. With half of our stuff packed and less than a month until we had to be out, we went to PA to visit the families and to get away from the stress of our living situation.

Once we returned to FL, we decided to stay in a house that had been offered us by someone at the church. A huge blessing. Though it is far. Although I'm trying to remember that is minor. Our stuff is all in their garage. And in some closets. And in hallways. I struggle in going back and forth between being so grateful that we were given a place to stay when we needed one...and being frustrated by living in someone else's house. As a wife and mother trying to keep us all running...clothed and fed, when I often can't find something in the kitchen or I suddenly remember that I need something which is packed away in a box in the garage.

We're waiting for a short sale and thought we were almost there. Everything had been approved. We had the inspection and a second appraisal that was needed. We had a closing date. Less than two weeks to go and we were informed that the bank wasn't going to accept our contract the way it was. The way it had already been accepted.

So...we wait. And pray.

We should know tomorrow what will happen with this current house. If it doesn't work out we will start our search again.