Mom Guilt.

It's suffocating. I deal with it almost daily.

Did I yell too much? Did I discipline out of anger? Did I feed them enough healthy foods? Did I take them out to play enough? Did I play with them enough? Did I read to them enough? Do I talk on the phone too much and leave them to entertain themselves? I want them to know they're important to me. I want them to feel like they're important to me.

Titus is now four. Quincy almost two. What happens in their lives at this age they will possibly remember as adults. Especially Titus. I remember when Titus was two and I thought to myself, "I need to get my anger under control because he might remember me like this." Two years later, I'm still feeling the same way.

Steve and I deal with the bigger life issues.

Are we doing the best for them in raising them here in south Florida? Would it be better if we had the physical support of our families? Do they feel loved enough? Do they feel secure enough? Especially here without grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles? Was it the best decision to hold Titus back a year?

I know there is no "perfect parent". But I don't want to damage my children. I want them to have great childhood memories. Not just the days of going to the beach or the zoo. I want them to get that warm fuzzy feeling (do boys get that? :) when they remember their childhood. When they picture their childhood home. I want to give them a "childhood home." They've both had so many homes and none of them have truly been "ours."

Which brings us to another area of parenting guilt. Probably the biggest one for Steve and I.

With every house that we thought would be ours but then would slip away, Steve and I would get overwhelmed with the feelings of letting the boys down.

We've moved them so many times. I kept thinking, "what is this doing to the boys?" And I would think, "I hope they don't remmeber all the homes they've had."

Then one day it occured to me that maybe I do want them to remember. I want them to know that God always provided a house for us. He always protected us. In their future, when they go through difficult times in life, we can tell them the stories of our family and how God was always there providing for us. We can use it to encourage them and to build their faith. These events are our family story.

I pray that I will learn to depend on God more during my parenting "failures." I want to remember the obstacles we face as a family so that I can encourage them later in life with the stories of how God provided for our family.