Part 4. The (End of the One) Journey

This last part is more difficult to write about because it doesn't translate as well on paper. Much of it took place in the heart.

from my journaling-

We know that if God truly wants us here He will make it fully known. Many have told us that He will not confuse us if we are fully seeking Him and desiring to trust Him. We know that He will make clear His will for us. We wait…excitedly, nervously, anxiously.

Steve did talk to Mark (Davis) and Mark had so much wisdom to pass on. He was very good about not trying to talk Steve into coming back but to really give good advice about how to make the decision. Although, he did say that when he ran into Steve in the hall before we left Florida that he had a peace about saying good-bye because he felt Steve would be back at CCA someday.

April 27th - both Steve and I are entering a period of fasting until God speaks to us regarding this situation, after days and weeks of no peace.

During the boys naptime...“Testing“- Watching pastor Bob’s Easter message online. While talking about Job he also says that he’s seen people being tested. God does test us. Looking at this situation in our lives I do believe God was testing us. Steve and I both were saved at a young age, brought up in church, know that we are to serve God and obey him…and yet we hadn’t been in church more than a handful of times in a year. We were at a point of being stagnant. We desired moving back to Florida and He put that opportunity there…and then told us “no.” Would we choose to obey Him? God wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but He also wants our hearts to desire Him. What was our greatest desire at that time in our lives? In the end we chose to obey that first “command?” from Him. But then had a lack of peace which led us to search Him like we hadn’t in years.

April 27th 2:44pm…felt the peace. We are to go.

While I continued to watch the service, at the end during the invitation, I noticed that I had tears running down my cheeks. So aware of the fact that I haven’t been living for God. Not living in sin, but not living for Him. Aware that I need to rededicate myself to Him. I felt God saying, “if you want to live for me, to be who I want you to be…go back Florida."

I wait for Steve to get his answer. It is so difficult not to tell him what I feel God told me.

April 29th - Steve is continuing to fast. He’s on day 3. Last night he was in the bedroom reading the Bible, praying and watching online sermons from pastor Bob Coy. I came in around 10 and I was in bed listening while Steve was on the floor at the foot of the bed watching online. I started to get anxious as I was listening to the message that Steve was playing and thinking…oh no, Steve is going to think the wrong thing from this. I was sure that Steve would take from it that we were to stay and I was so sure God had told me the opposite of that. Then Bob said something that spoke so loud and clear to our situation.

“God’s will still prevails. What we do is we waste a lot of energy and we waste a lot of time. Why? Man, he’s got steps. God, He directs his path. So you actually end up taking a detour. God will still see that you get to where you’re supposed to be but in between the time you spend money that you don’t have, anxiety you don’t want to expend, the frustration’s attached to doing your will because it’s more important to you than what God wants.”

It felt like that was exactly what we did in coming back to Pennsylvania.

Steve replayed that part four or five times so I knew it spoke to him too. Then he stopped it and said, “what do you think of that?” I knew God was speaking through Bob to Steve. We talked for a while, me not wanting to say too much. I knew it wasn’t my place to convince Steve of what I felt God was telling him (and me). Yet so much I wanted to just jump up and say, “God told me on Wednesday we are supposed to go!” I have been so excited for God to speak to Steve on this so we can celebrate together…to celebrate how faithful God has been to us. I feel like I’m bursting inside with this joy. Steve even said last night, “you have this little grin on your face, what do you want to say.” But the more we talked, I saw Steve questioning and doubting. I remember telling him, we aren’t supposed to make this make sense, it will be a peace from God. He seems to be struggling to let God speak to his heart. His mind keeps getting in the way. But I know that in the end he will allow God in and fully listen to what He is telling him. So…we continue to wait.

At the end of day 3, Steve stopped fasting. He felt he was not at a place physically or mentally to fast for any longer. I would agree with him. He is under such stress with his work right now and isn’t sleeping for longer than 5 hours at night. Fasting is just taking too much of a toll on him at this time. I do feel like God already gave him His answer though.

May 2nd - 12:40pm entering second time of fasting. Steve and I deciding to fast from 8am-8pm daily until we hear God speak.

May 4th - mid day…4Kids (of south Florida) came to mind. Praying about house parenting. Told Steve to do the same. The next day I got an e mail from 4Kids about their annual fundraising event. Hmmm.

May 5th - In the middle of our fasting and asking of God to show us something now, I feel we have lost sight of what He has already done. We had considered and desired returning to Florida and to Calvary. He put in place Steve’s dream position and it was offered to Steve! Wow, more than we ever would have dreamed. From God? Absolutely, He is able.

Looking back at a my notes from earlier, I found Acts 8:26 Arise and Go! I looked up the passage and read, “Go south.” :)

Eph. 5:15-17 “Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”

Reading in my notebook from last year when we were trying to make the decision about whether to come here to PA or stay in Florida, I came across-

May 4th - I pray that we will live wherever we can grow the most spiritually.
Life isn’t about happiness and comfort. I can’t expect these things at all times.

May 5th 2010 - (Exactly a year ago today)- Isaiah 58:11 “The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire.”

Philippians 4:6-7 and Psalm 37:7-8

May 5th - For some reason, Steve felt that he had to give the principal (Rob) at CCA an answer today. He had to go to his cousins house in the evening and on the way home he called me to tell me he was about to call Rob. I asked him what he would say. He had no idea. I got down on my knees next to our ottoman and prayed. I prayed to God that He would give Steve the strength to say “no” again if that’s what was right. That He would give him a “yes” if that was right. Or allow him to ask for more time if that was what was right.

Steve came home, sat on the couch and said, “I said yes.” I was blown away. I didn’t think he was going to make the decision that night. He said, “I don’t know where it came from but I said yes.” He didn’t know what he was going to say as he was making the call. Then he just said “yes.”

Although he told CCA that he would be returning, he was STILL struggling. Just not being confident that was the right thing for the family. Scared of the passage in Jeremiah that he read.

Thursday, May 12th - Steve, while fasting, had an intense moment while at school in chapel. He said God told him it is ok to go to Florida. He said he sat weeping in chapel. Steve never cries. He said it felt like a hug from God. Wow!

When Steve told Mark in the email that “we both cried” the night he read Jeremiah 42...it wasn’t completely accurate. I cried, he didn’t. In the 13 years that Steve and I have been together, I can only remember seeing him cry once. In that area of life, he is very much a product of his environment. He grew up in Coatesville, where men don't cry. For him to have sat in chapel sobbing is big. When he first said he had a moment and cried, I thought a tear. When I asked him later about it and he told me he was crying loudly, I was amazed.

Over the weekend Steve still was unsure about what to do. I appreciate that he is so careful with making this decision, not just jumping into something lightly. The difficult part about his “moment” while fasting was that he felt God was giving the ok to go but not telling him to go. He had been so afraid of the Jeremiah passage he read and at that moment he felt God was saying, “your family will be ok if you go.” But we were both still struggling with the questions “is it best?” and “can we really do it?”

Monday, May 16th Steve had taken a personal day and was home. It was supposed to be the day he gave his final decision to LMH. He had already told Calvary yes and we had started enrolling Titus in preschool there at CCA. The day came and went and still no decision was made.

Tuesday morning Steve told me he thinks we are staying in PA. He was getting ready for work and I was up with the kids.

Mid morning he sent me a text asking, “Would you still go to FL?”

I had no idea which school we would be at next year.

Over the weekend I had Steve do an “exercise.” I told him to close his eyes. To picture who and what he wants to be…as a man, as a husband, as a father, as a friend. To imagine who that person would be. Then I asked him what he thinks it would take to develop him into that person. What he wants our marriage and our family to be. Where he thinks is best for us. I never asked for his answer. Just something to think about.

That Tuesday when he needed to tell LMH, he said that exercise is what came to mind. He wanted to do what was best for our family and he feels that Florida is where we should be.

He emailed the superintendent at LMH that afternoon and told him our family would be moving to Ft. Lauderdale.

End of that journey…beginning of the next.

Thank you all who were praying with us.

The Mayos.